Anxiety and Depression · Self Improvement

I Can Change

[I Can Change” – Lake Street Dive]

I am scared. Contrary to what it seems with my penchant to travel alone; jump out of airplanes; and voice my life’s trials, tribulations, experiences, and beautiful embarrassments in this very public space… I really exist in an anxious and largely scared state of mind. Maybe I am like the Bruce Banner of anxiety… Maybe it’s my superhero burden to bear (wow, self important much, Liz? Though, green is my favorite color…) Continue reading “I Can Change”

Anxiety and Depression · Thoughts

Tough to Be a Dreamer

[“Tough to be a Dreamer” – Felix Hagan and the Family]

I am a fervent dreamer, or at least, I have been in the past. I dream of happy endings; of love, adventures, and success. But recently, my happy endings have disappeared, replaced with deeply suspicious heroines and heroes who end up being betrayed or avoiding risk in favor of comfort…

Dear reader, I am writing, after too long an absence, as one such heroine because I have found myself becoming tired of hearing my own voice. I want to help spread hope and smiles; I want to show those in a similar situation that there is a solid chance for better days; I want to hold my flag of independence high, as I, fearless and free, lead an army of the beautifully broken.

But, instead of being this emblem of hope, I am experiencing some serious existential pain both helped and hindered by the coming of 2018 and the stereotypical ruminations that this time of year inspires. Despite my fatigue with the emotional inferno burning inside of me, I have to get the words and pain out somehow. I have been hiding myself away in the hope that if I ignore the pain, it will go away. But, as my amazing father always says, “Hope is not a valid strategy.” So, here I am.

Essentially, I have been half-assing my bravery, and this just will not, cannot, stand.  Continue reading “Tough to Be a Dreamer”

Anxiety and Depression

Today is Lacking in Music…

I want to write today. I want to speak my truth. I want to say what I am feeling and thinking. I want to be beautiful and wonderful and have the most intuitive and inspiring things to say. Things that will set the world on fire with a passion for living, loving, and thriving. I want to give to you all something to hold warm and close on this gray, and now seemingly prematurely dark, day because quite frankly I’m struggling to find the happy in today. Continue reading “Today is Lacking in Music…”

Anxiety and Depression · Relationships

Broken Bones and Pocket Change

[Theme song for this post: “Broken Bones and Pocket Change” – St. Paul and the Broken Bones]

Young Love has made me old,
Tired, restless, and blue…


I’m not going to lie. This bravery thing isn’t for wimps (and I am speaking as a newly recovering wimp). It hurts and it’s hard and quite frankly, lately, I am struggling. Specifically today. I am not struggling for any particular reason, nothing monumental happened, nothing has changed. It’s just… There. I’d love for someone to swoop in and just erase it all because I hurt in every corner of my soul and today I am having less success being optimistic than I have in the recent past.

The thing is, I don’t want to have to be brave. I want to be happy… And if not happy, I want to bitch, whine, complain, cry, throw a temper tantrum, scream, cry some more, and hope that some form of the free flowing childishness emanating from my body will take away the deep seated ache—the weight that has been pulling me down to floor level so why the hell shouldn’t I lie there and wallow in it for a bit?

Continue reading “Broken Bones and Pocket Change”

Relationships · Self Improvement

I Believe in a Thing Called Love

[Theme song for this post*: “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” – The Darkness]

Despite my current trials and tribulations, I continue to believe in the importance and necessity of love. As my cat has just proven, love, unconditional love, is about forgiveness (he needed a bath… It was not fun for either of us, but we are good now because I fed him afterward).

Because of my current struggles, I have had friends ask if it’s too painful for them to talk to me about the good things happening in their lives, particularly all of the ways in which their love lives are thriving. I want to make something clear to the world: just because the playground bully that is life has turned me upside down by my ankles and shaken me until all of my personal and private pocket-dwelling things have been exposed to the public eye, does not mean that I want it to do the same to anyone else. I wouldn’t wish these thoughts, feelings, and experiences on my worst enemy. I want everyone I know to be as happy as they can possibly be because it’s times like this that serve as a reminder that the good times don’t always last. At the risk of being too sappy and cliche, we should appreciate the crap out of the good times because sometimes they get taken away for no damn good reason… And in those moments it’s the good things you have to hold onto in your memory, just to get you through.

Continue reading “I Believe in a Thing Called Love”

Relationships · Thoughts

Words Have Weight

Words are everywhere. We use them for everything. Authors are lauded for their ability to manipulate them and people seek therapy when they aren’t able to find the right ones… Dave Barry (YAY for Haverford alumni), a favorite columnist of mine, wrote a piece once when his son was about to take the SATs. I actually have tried desperately to find the full article but I believe it was written in the pre-internet days and is therefore part of some back-country Google resource site that I just can’t find at the moment. Therefore, you will just have to trust me (if you can find it, please send it to me because, more than just for the sake of providing proof, I have been wanting to read it again. Regardless, it’s way too good for me to have just made it up).

Continue reading “Words Have Weight”

Relationships

Hold on to People Worth Celebrating

The following is dedicated to the people in my life who have made life worth living. Yes, always, but most importantly recently.

Something I have discovered recently is that I have one of the most valuable and enviable things a human can possess – true friends – people who are worth celebrating and who celebrate me in return.

Continue reading “Hold on to People Worth Celebrating”

Anxiety and Depression · Relationships · Self Improvement

Music Therapy

This is a song for anyone with a broken heart
This is a song for anyone who can’t get out of bed
I’ll do anything to be happy
Oh, ’cause blue skies are coming
But I know that it’s hard

Noah and the Whale

I’d recommend hitting play on some of these videos as you work your way through this post. These songs, among many others, have been another of the anchoring truths I have clung to during this time of, shall we say, transition. Those of you who know me well, will not be surprised by how much music has meant to me over the past two months. Music, regardless of the situation, is vital to me… But I find in times of strife it can be one of the most effective catalysts toward healing.

Continue reading “Music Therapy”

Relationships · Self Improvement

Retaking my World

So… the first thing I have had to address in using my personal stitch cutter to delicately separate my life from the one I had aligned myself with over the past decade is establishing the things over which I have a full hold and vested interest, and which ones I need to either dismiss or reclaim based on the one-third of my life which is now, for lack of a better term, of the very aggressively and decided past. For example, I want to reclaim Iceland, the place of our honeymoon, because it was actually a transformative experience for me personally. It was the first time, in years, that I felt like a normal person because I had finally taken control of my mental health and decided to begin a regime of medication. So, Iceland was a world and experience lived in color again… a world which, despite my best efforts previously, had finally regained some scope and depth, one in which I could actually feel hope and happiness rather than trying to make myself rationally reach those outcomes through aggressive mental calisthenics. I associate this amazing change with one of the most important events a couple can experience, a celebration of “the happiest day” a couple will plan and execute. I assume you see the conundrum? Yes, I did something for the betterment of my relationship (not being depressed as all hell) but it was also for me that I made that change. That is how I now need to approach every thing that has become an aspect of my life because of the influence of that *other* person I, apparently mistakenly, chose to call my love.

Continue reading “Retaking my World”