Adventure · Anxiety and Depression · Relationships · Thoughts

Exeunt/Stay With Me Baby

Don’t Worry, I Won’t Be Long…

Today is our wedding anniversary. Were it not for yesterday marking three months since our separation, we would have been married two years as of today. What is three months? Long enough, apparently, for an individual world to toss about like a boat in a tempest and still not find equilibrium. Three months is a quarter of a year, one eighth of my marriage. We were together for seven years, friends for three longer than that. Three months may seem like nothing until you factor in the finality… The fact that each day adds to a week, each week adds to a month, and each month leads to a year. In three more months, it will be six, half a year… The thing that was my whole world is just gone, it’s an ineffable feeling to conceptualize. I am astonished by how seemingly slowly time passes, until it’s of the past and then I wonder where it’s gone.

Because of this anniversary, everything is shades of blue today. Not happy, periwinkle blue or deep, lusty cobalt… the blue of haze and sadness. It’s not even a good, thematic blue that complements the musical genre. Or an adorable dog from a children’s show. This blue is dull and characterless. Unfortunately, though, its lack of character is still all encompassing and eye catching in its grungy hue. It has stained my world and made it dingy – incapable of any sparkle (not the pansy vampire kind). Worst of all, this blue has a liquid quality, leaking through the cracks around each door I try to close in an attempt to hold it off. Continue reading “Exeunt/Stay With Me Baby”

Anxiety and Depression · Self Improvement

Whatever Forever

[“Whatever Forever” – The Mowgli’s]

As I believe is made evident by my writing here—sharing my hurts and feelings—I am a fairly open person. In fact, I believe openness and the ability to empathize are my two best personality traits. That being said, I also am a bundle of flaws who realizes that perfection is an aspirational state of being, not a reality. Therefore, I pride myself on being an incredibly forgiving person who understands that flaws are inherent and can sometimes come out, despite best efforts. This combination of beliefs means that I rarely hold real grudges and therefore I hold no real regrets. I thoroughly believe that everything is a learning experience and I can rationalize myself out of most anger. Actually being angry makes me feel nauseous, like my body is literally trying to physically reject the emotional experience. I may become frustrated easily on occasion but I let it go just as quickly. I try, adamantly, to go with the flow and spread good vibes in my wake.  Continue reading “Whatever Forever”

Anxiety and Depression · Relationships

Broken Bones and Pocket Change

[Theme song for this post: “Broken Bones and Pocket Change” – St. Paul and the Broken Bones]

Young Love has made me old,
Tired, restless, and blue…


I’m not going to lie. This bravery thing isn’t for wimps (and I am speaking as a newly recovering wimp). It hurts and it’s hard and quite frankly, lately, I am struggling. Specifically today. I am not struggling for any particular reason, nothing monumental happened, nothing has changed. It’s just… There. I’d love for someone to swoop in and just erase it all because I hurt in every corner of my soul and today I am having less success being optimistic than I have in the recent past.

The thing is, I don’t want to have to be brave. I want to be happy… And if not happy, I want to bitch, whine, complain, cry, throw a temper tantrum, scream, cry some more, and hope that some form of the free flowing childishness emanating from my body will take away the deep seated ache—the weight that has been pulling me down to floor level so why the hell shouldn’t I lie there and wallow in it for a bit?

Continue reading “Broken Bones and Pocket Change”

Anxiety and Depression

Spinning

[Theme song for this post: “Spinning” – Jack’s Mannequin]

It’s ridiculous how often I am the Neville Longbottom of this story (though if that means Matthew Lewis wants to chill with me, I would be the last person to complain). I guess it’s appropriate that I went to Chestnut Hill College since we are pretty much only famous for looking like Hogwarts. This operating theory is based, mostly, on the fact that I would literally forget my feet if I didn’t need them to walk away from the other things I am likely forgetting. I have lists upon lists to get myself through the day. I make lists of the lists I need to make. I schedule time, on my calendar, for the making of all of these said lists. I also set alarms to remember that it’s time to take care of the action items that are on the lists. Without these quadruple measures I would literally be lost. I am not even sure that my friends know exactly how scattered I am because I try so desperately hard to appear like an adult who can maintain some kind of organized lifestyle (and let’s face it, if I was supposed to tell them, I probably forgot to put it on the list). And STILL sometimes things fall through the cracks. So, here I am writing it out, for the whole world to see (like the Wicked Witch with her broom stick and sky writing – witchcraft all exists in the same universe right?):

Continue reading “Spinning”

Relationships · Self Improvement

I Believe in a Thing Called Love

[Theme song for this post*: “I Believe in a Thing Called Love” – The Darkness]

Despite my current trials and tribulations, I continue to believe in the importance and necessity of love. As my cat has just proven, love, unconditional love, is about forgiveness (he needed a bath… It was not fun for either of us, but we are good now because I fed him afterward).

Because of my current struggles, I have had friends ask if it’s too painful for them to talk to me about the good things happening in their lives, particularly all of the ways in which their love lives are thriving. I want to make something clear to the world: just because the playground bully that is life has turned me upside down by my ankles and shaken me until all of my personal and private pocket-dwelling things have been exposed to the public eye, does not mean that I want it to do the same to anyone else. I wouldn’t wish these thoughts, feelings, and experiences on my worst enemy. I want everyone I know to be as happy as they can possibly be because it’s times like this that serve as a reminder that the good times don’t always last. At the risk of being too sappy and cliche, we should appreciate the crap out of the good times because sometimes they get taken away for no damn good reason… And in those moments it’s the good things you have to hold onto in your memory, just to get you through.

Continue reading “I Believe in a Thing Called Love”

Relationships · Thoughts

Thank You All…

I thought, when posting recently about the birth of this writing outlet, on my personal Facebook page, that it would maybe garner some small interest from those who have been emotionally invested in the situation following “The Day”… No offense to any of you, but I never expected the outpouring of love and support I have received across platforms. I know all of you are wonderful and supportive people, but what’s one more sob story in a world experiencing so many right now? I am overwhelmed and cannot thank you enough for your compassion. Each kind word has greatly helped silence the little destructive bastards who have taken up residence in my chest (and brain) and I am eternally grateful to call you friends (yes, even the family members are friends, it’s an important distinction).

Continue reading “Thank You All…”

Relationships · Self Improvement

Retaking my World

So… the first thing I have had to address in using my personal stitch cutter to delicately separate my life from the one I had aligned myself with over the past decade is establishing the things over which I have a full hold and vested interest, and which ones I need to either dismiss or reclaim based on the one-third of my life which is now, for lack of a better term, of the very aggressively and decided past. For example, I want to reclaim Iceland, the place of our honeymoon, because it was actually a transformative experience for me personally. It was the first time, in years, that I felt like a normal person because I had finally taken control of my mental health and decided to begin a regime of medication. So, Iceland was a world and experience lived in color again… a world which, despite my best efforts previously, had finally regained some scope and depth, one in which I could actually feel hope and happiness rather than trying to make myself rationally reach those outcomes through aggressive mental calisthenics. I associate this amazing change with one of the most important events a couple can experience, a celebration of “the happiest day” a couple will plan and execute. I assume you see the conundrum? Yes, I did something for the betterment of my relationship (not being depressed as all hell) but it was also for me that I made that change. That is how I now need to approach every thing that has become an aspect of my life because of the influence of that *other* person I, apparently mistakenly, chose to call my love.

Continue reading “Retaking my World”